Issue 5
A big announcement leads to drama at a local zoo, a mysterious creature may be more real than we thought, and the things that popped into my head while scrolling the news.
The best fake news you’ll read all day!
Hippo at local Zoo set to give birth to a second child, Elephant calls her a Welfare Queen
Cincinnati, OH The countdown is on! Bibi the Hippo is pregnant and according to measurements made during her latest ultrasound, set to give birth to her second calve sometime in August.
“You may recall the excitement many felt when Bibi’s first child, Fiona, was born. Well, the countdown to baby number 2 isn’t any less exciting!” said Jennifer Snell, Assistant to the Assistant Manger of the Cincinnati Zoo’s Africa Team. “We couldn’t be happier!”
Not everyone is celebrating, however. In a viral video leaked online shortly after the announcement, Sabu the Elephant could be heard degrading the future mother of two.
“I get it. Baby hippos are rare in captivity, but at this point, she’s (sic Bibi) milking it,” Sabu can be heard in the viral video. “Look at the handouts and publicity she gets from this. The donations are already rolling in…Oh, good. She got knocked up! I just don’t know what makes her any different than a welfare queen?”
When asked about the viral video, reps for Sabu the Elephant refused to comment specifically, stating only that Sabu wished to express his “congratulations to Bibi and hope for a safe delivery.”
As to who recorded and leaked the video, no one has yet to come forward but rumors suggest it may have been one of zoo’s donkeys, Wyatt or Dellinger. When questioned reps for both denied their involvement.
Now onto some serious matters…
The Loch Ness Monster!
Many people doubt the existence of the mythical monster of Loch Ness. Don’t count me as one of them. In the words of the late Stan Lee, I’m a true believer! What evidence do I use as justification for this belief? Nothing but the feeling I got while watching an episode of Unsolved Mysteries about Nessie’s American cousin, Champ. My skin crawled with a mixture of fear and excitement as a trench coat wearing Robert Stack detailed the mystery of the reclusive creature. That was enough to convince my seven-year-old self that in fact every big lake has a giant prehistoric leviathan lurking below the surface.
Now, that may not be enough evidence for you and I’m certain you can list several sciencey reasons to refute my belief. Welp, you can scratch one of those sciencey reasons off the list. According to an international team of paleontologists digging in the dry sands of Morroco, the plesiosaur—long thought to be a saltwater reptile—did live in freshwater.
BOOM!
or…
SPLASH!
Never doubt a serious man in a trench coat standing in the fog of a dark alley!
And lastly,
Things that popped into my head while scrolling the news.
That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading. If this made you smile or think, please consider subscribing and sharing. God bless!
If you’re interested in my other writing or curious about my faith, check out my personal website.